Burnout

I’m very hard on myself when I fall apart, when my body gives up on me, when I physically can’t do it. I often feel tired and run down and my instinct is to push through it. This is especially true when I can see the end, when I know there is a chance for rest just around the corner. Comparison is a main player during these times. I see other people managing, pushing through it, getting it done, even thriving. They don’t fall apart; they just keep going. I also make comparisons to my younger self. I worked two, sometimes three, jobs while going to college or university and living on my own. I managed fine. I didn’t break down. If I could handle all of that, I should be able to handle things now. Right?

I’ve realized that my whole life has been riddled with burnouts. In my younger years, I bounced back a lot faster, so I didn’t give them much thought. In most cases, I would end up with a cold or flu a few days after exams, after completing an exceptionally demanding assignment or after an event I had been planning was over. Often, I would only need a day or two of rest and I could jump right back into my busy life, essentially unscathed. In the past seven years since beginning my career, these burnouts have been much more intense. They differ from the dark days in that there is no looming cloud, my thoughts and emotions aren’t jumbled and I don’t experience that sinking feeling. While the dark days are an emotional, mental shut down, the burnouts are more physical. My body gives up on me, it goes on strike. Of course there is a mental component, but it plays more of a supporting or even background role, it’s not the lead. I usually feel the burnout coming on, but I convince myself that I can fight it off until I have the time to deal with it. My learnt experience suggests this is a feasible strategy; I was always able to make it to the end of exams before it hit me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to work like that anymore. The odd time I am successful, but mostly I’m not. I am trying to learn to employ a more proactive approach, (as recommended by my counselor and husband). When I feel the burnout coming, that is the time to rest. Trying to push through it makes me worse off in the end. Logically, this makes sense but it is much easier said than done.

Wedding planning was tough. Being someone who has difficulty relinquishing control or delegating, I really struggled. By no means were we planning an elaborate event. We wanted a low-key, casual, fun wedding. (We got married in the dirt in the middle of the rodeo grounds in a small town, had beer koozies as gifts for our guests and we all camped at a nearby lake for the weekend. Definitely not fancy!). Despite our best efforts to keep things simple, there were still so many little details, so many components. I knew it was impossible for one person to do everything at once, especially on the day of the event, as I also had a fairly crucial role in the wedding itself. We couldn’t afford to hire a wedding planner, (nor would I have trusted one to be honest). Reluctantly, I accepted help from some friends and family, but tried my best to minimize their responsibilities. I wanted those closest to me to enjoy everything, not feel like they were being put to work. I figured as long as I was super organized ahead of time and prepared to be really busy the day before and the morning of the wedding, I could make it all work. For months leading up to it, I was stressed. I felt overwhelmed all the time. I was exhausted but also constantly wired. Knowing that there was only so much that could be done ahead of time, that a significant portion of the work had to happen all at once and at the last minute, kept my brain buzzing and my heart racing. I felt guilty too. This should have been a joyous time. I was planning to marry and build a life with this incredible man; I should have been counting my lucky stars. Don’t get me wrong, there were some magical and exciting moments along the way, and I was so happy to be marrying him, but mostly I was just stressed. Which made me feel like a terrible, ungrateful person.

It turned out to be an amazing weekend. Everyone seemed to have a great time, there was so much love and laughter and the ceremony itself was arguably the best experience I have ever had. As amazing as it was, I was completely strung out through all of it. We took our tent trailer and went on a little road trip honeymoon right after, which was when I started to feel the burnout. There were a couple of days during that trip that I felt awful; I couldn’t keep my eyes open, any movement felt like too much work, I was nauseous, dizzy and my head was pounding. Luckily, I was able to shake it off for most of the trip and we had a great time. It wasn’t until about a month later that I totally crashed.

No matter how much sleep I got, I never felt rested. I was dizzy and had an intense headache all of the time. I couldn’t concentrate at work. Initially, I took a few days off work to rest and recoup. When the headaches didn’t subside and I couldn’t shake the dizzy, woozy feeling, I went to the ER. The physician was great; very thorough and compassionate. I was told that there had been a lot of people coming into the ER with very similar presentations around that time. When he found nothing of concern, he figured there must be a virus going around and advised me to load up on ibuprofen and acetaminophen for a few days and to come back if things got worse. I very rarely take painkillers. I could probably count on one hand how many times I had taken Tylenol or Advil in the five years preceding this ER visit. So the idea of taking that much medication seemed crazy to me. But I took the medical advice and followed the recommended regimen for the next few days. Nothing changed. It didn’t get better, but it also didn’t get worse. I stopped taking the pain killers and I tried going back to work but felt awful. I could only manage a few days at a time before having to take more time off. That pattern continued for several weeks. Over the course of about three months, I think I took more sick days than I had in my entire life. I ended up getting a couple of bad colds and a horrible stomach bug during that time as well. Looking back, I see that those awful few months were the result of being so stressed for so long. When I finally started to come down from that heightened state, I guess my body took it as an opportunity to take a long overdue break. That was the biggest burnout I have experienced to date. In the end, the cost of trying to do it all myself was much higher than the cost of hiring a wedding planner.

Burnout is ever-present in my life it seems. Even when things don’t appear hectic, when life feels normal, I still burn out. These burnouts are frustrating because I don’t feel like they’re justified. The stress of exams and wedding planning seem like plausible instigators. Regular, everyday life does not. And yet, I still crash. I’m trying to be more kind to myself and remember that even when life appears calm, often there are a bunch of minor things going on in the background that eventually conjugate and bleed me of my energy reserves. I also try to keep in mind that those who seem to be holding it all together may be falling apart in less obvious ways. It is also likely that some people simply have more robust energy reservoirs. And that’s ok. I don’t always have to keep up. Which is easy to say when things are good, but difficult to remember when I start to fall. It’s all a work in progress!