Does Anyone Really Know What They're Doing?

As kids, we believe the adults in our lives have life figured out. We think our parents, teachers, coaches, aunts, uncles and neighbours all know what they’re doing. We have no doubt. When we’re teenagers, we start to question them. They don’t seem to get it at all. Suddenly, we know better. We’re the ones that get it. That illusion doesn’t last long. In our twenties, we bumble our way through. Not a clue what we’re doing or how we fit into this world. And that’s okay. We just assume we will figure it out when we “grow up”, when we’re real adults. I don’t know about you, but now, in the later half of my thirties, I’m not convinced I will ever figure it out. I have a career, I own a home, I’m married, but I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. My friends are professionals, spouses, parents, homeowners and business owners. It all sounds very adult. I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. I still see us as hopeful, but essentially clueless, twenty-somethings. And I mean that in the most endearing way possible.

Do all of those CEOs, politicians, movie stars and tech geniuses have it figured out? I doubt it. Obviously, they have figured out bits and pieces, but I bet they have days when they feel completely lost. Just like the rest of us. I bet imposter syndrome is running rampant amongst that elite population. I would also speculate that in a lot of cases, they may feel confident in their professional life, but their personal life is a mess. Of course, there are exceptions. Those that truly, down to their core, believe they have it all figured out. Those that think they know better than everyone else, that don’t seem to listen to reason or apologize for anything. I’m sure we can all think of a few public personas that exude this type of confidence. I would call these people delusional. Not something I aspire to be. Yet, I am still desperate to figure things out. Why is that?

I think a lot of what drives my search for clarity is security. Financial and emotional security being the most prominent. I am so determined not to end up miserable and I don’t want to waste my life being mediocre. I am fueled by fear. I have this powerful sense, this understanding, that I am destined for greatness. That I am meant to be successful. I am so scared of not reaching my full potential. My thought process is always, “I am better than this”. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. My issue hasn’t been my determination, it has been my lack of direction. When I want something bad enough, when I am certain of my goals and aspirations, I always achieve them. I may get beaten down along the way, take some detours, but I always get there. The thing is, I’m not certain of anything these days. I have no idea what I want. I just know I want more.

As we achieve more, earn more, have more, our markers for success get higher and higher. Is that greed or is it ambition? Maybe it’s both. Chasing this ever evolving marker makes me feel inadequate. There are moments when I feel a sense of accomplishment, but it doesn’t last. This is true in every aspect of my life. When I make strides with my mental health, I feel like I’m starting to get a handle on things, like I’m close to figuring it out. Then I get knocked down and end up confused and lost all over again. The cycle continues. I am willing to put in the work, but I am at a loss as to what the work should be. There is a similar pattern in my personal life. I get frustrated with my routine. I outgrow my living environment and need a change of scenery. So, I make a move. It could be in the form of redecorating or purging the clutter. And when that’s not enough, it's a new home, a new city. Initially, I am rejuvenated. I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. A fresh start. Then, a few years later, I feel stuck again. And on goes the chase. My professional life is no different. When I first completed my internship, passed my registration exam and started working, I felt like I had made it. Like I had reached the summit. I felt like I was on top of the world. Seven years later I am still working the same job, but I have somehow regressed. I’m now back at low elevation, stuck in a rut, in search of the right path that will lead me back to the top.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. I wonder if people have always struggled with this type of cyclical existence or if it has become more commonplace as a result of our rapidly evolving society. Is this simply a reflection of shortened attention spans? Are we all overstimulated? There is far less certainty, far less stability in our modern world. Forty-year careers and fifty-year marriages are becoming increasingly rare. People are now far less likely to live in the same house, or even the same city, for sixty-plus years. How can any of us figure things out if we are constantly changing our minds?

I think it is time to change my perspective. I always thought the notion of “it’s not the destination, it’s the journey” was so annoying. (Insert exaggerated eye roll here). I am starting to see the benefit of reconsidering my stance on this. I am realizing that this world is going to keep us all guessing. Trying to figure it out will only serve to drive me crazy. I need to learn to be comfortable with the uncertainty and trust that I can still do great things without having all the answers. Maybe figuring it out really just means accepting that I will never totally get it.