The Hopeful Kind of Lost

Do you ever get the feeling that something big is about to happen? That your life is about to change? That a new chapter is about to begin? This is not a feeling of dread, but one of hope. Change often happens in unexpected, weird ways. Amazing opportunities can present themselves at the oddest times. I have this sense that I am on the brink of something big. Change is coming, I can feel it. In what form, I have absolutely no idea. I expect it will be scary but exciting. I think it will initially present as a loss or a roadblock. A curveball for sure. But great things can emerge from the rubble.

It baffles me that anyone has endured thirty-plus-year careers in the same role, or even the same profession. This seems to be in direct contrast to human nature. As humans, are we not constantly evolving? Isn’t life synonyms with growth? When we stop growing and learning, we stop living. With this ingrained instinct to grow, how is it possible to stay in the same role for our entire working lives? I’m only seven years into a career that I longed for, one that I worked really hard for, one that I am very proud of, yet I’m already burning out. I guess the more appropriate way of putting it is I’m losing faith in the system. Maybe the pandemic changed things, maybe the burnout rate has been cranked up. Maybe we’re just in a slump. Perhaps this is simply a stick it out and it will get better situation. But maybe it’s not.

The responsible, sensible move would be to hold tight. To put my head down, stay in my lane, block out the noise and focus solely on the tasks within my job description. But while I continue to find joy in my work, I am exhausted by the politics and red tape. Unfortunately, they are a packaged deal. I have tried to ignore the politics, tried to let that all go. My efforts have been futile. These details, these failings within the system, directly impact the people that I care for and the quality of care that I am able to provide them. I can’t help but internalize that. I find myself pulling away because it breaks my heart. The flaws in our system go way above my superiors, they far surpass even my employer’s reach. Regardless of the role or the employer, as long as I am working within the system, I will encounter the same moral issues. I believe the same can be said for any big business industry across the board. Maybe my fear of complacency was misplaced. For years, I was desperately searching for my next move, but my heart wasn’t in it. I am starting to see that the reason I haven’t been able to bring myself to pursue more within my current career is because I can’t seem to block out that noise. Taking on more within this industry would break me. I haven’t lost my drive, I don’t want to settle. But I need to look elsewhere. It is time to broaden my search criteria, to think outside the box.

I’m not a patient person. I don’t like to sit back and wait for things to happen. I’d rather make things happen. I don’t like leaving things to chance. Phrases like the last minute, under the wire, clutch, game day decision…in my mind they all translate to Panic. I am fully aware that this is an extension of my desire for control. I’m ok with that. For the most part, this outlook serves me well. But I am learning that there are moments in life when opportunity lurks in the shadows and cannot be coaxed into the light. It has to present itself on its own terms. Ah, the waiting game. I have recently found myself in the throws of this frustrating game. A game for which I have barely even earned a participation ribbon, let alone any real accolade. This is historically when I get restless. When my need for proactivity pushes me forward. My mind goes down that typical spiral; Being unprepared is too scary, living in limbo is far too uncomfortable. I need the security of a plan. This is when I would make the safe choice. Sometimes, the choice I make isn’t so much safe as it is simply available. I make the decision, craft the plan, all to put an end to the turmoil of limbo. But this time feels different. This time I want more.

Uncertainty and change are frightening. Even when we get to that breaking point, when we feel like we’re stuck in a rut and we need something new. Even then, change is scary. Fear is part of the thrill. I am starting to understand that thrill. I refuse to make the sensible decision this time. Risk is necessary for growth. I may fall flat on my face, or I may discover something amazing. If I don’t push myself, I’ll never know. It may, and likely will, get worse before it gets better. Often, that is how the best things in life come to be. All this time I have been trying to figure out how to find happiness in staying still. I have berated myself for not allowing myself to simply enjoy the life I have created. Now I see that I never wanted to sit still. I just needed time to regroup. I’m still a bit lost, but now I’m the hopeful kind of lost.